drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
