Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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