I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
