Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
