he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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