the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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