I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
