Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
