Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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