There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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