My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The air taste purple.
Randomize
