He disabled his match.com account in front of me
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
it was like having sex with a tree stump
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
