Define "chronic" masturbator.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
