He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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