wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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