in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Shame - the story of my life.
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