A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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