I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
