The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Never joke about your clitoris.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
