just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
