smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
