my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
COCAINE IS GR8
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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