he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
