Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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