his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Life without a bra equals bliss.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
