I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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