Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
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