i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize