You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
