you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
