just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
