I cannot find my penis.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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