Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
