Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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