I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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