I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I could fuck to npr.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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