can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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