I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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