the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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