me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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