to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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