he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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