officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
