I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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