shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Randomize
