I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The adults are the big ones right?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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