mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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