There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
