Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
