Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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