don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
