I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
