how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
