Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
