we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
