I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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