I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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