Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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