I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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