Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
false alarm, still single
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
