I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
