Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
